100 things I learned after living with a boy for a year

(the boy is my boyfriend of 8)

1. if I stir my coffee with this wooden chopstick in the morning, he will stir his coffee with this wooden chopstick in the morning

2. I love the Dodgers and hate the Phillies

3. men don’t drink water yet somehow stay alive

4. creatures of habit are the best kind of creatures

5. anything’s sexy

6. unsolicited outfit advice from a 25 year old guy is, at all times; A. mildly offensive, B. vague + without reason, C. refreshing

7. there is nothing I can do to impair my keenly dust-aware vision nor enhance his

8. anything’s funny

9. fresh flowers could and should come from both sides

10. I have PMDD

11. ironing is for the birds I guess (but I’m not a bird)

12. we both accidentally water the plants (oops)

13. it isn’t offensive if I wear these and he wears these while we’re in the same room together. rare, sometimes necessary, never offensive

14. I am an anchored charger person, he is an unbound charger person

15. this scent that i’ve been pledging my on-then-off hair washes to is apparently, to the Male Nose, just motherfucking Axe in a prettier bottle.

16. I go to bed first (except for last night which was the first time that his head hit the pillow before mine. felt wrong.)

17. if I don’t eat last night’s leftovers for breakfast, he will get to them first for lunch

18. he will ignore my bread drawer decree and place his English muffins on the fridge shelf. it’s fine

19. I could bathe in a volcano’s crater and still feel a chill

20. he will steal my fancy products although he pledges his life to J&J Baby Shampoo

21. driving around for 45 minutes looking for a parking spot in sardine-packed Philadelphia can be make-it-or-break-it for a couple. we are strong

22. there is no deeper form of love than the intentional, random, surprise grocery

23. meeting for drinks after work is one of life’s greatest pleasures

24. reading while he naps is too

25. boys don’t order things online

26. I eat really quickly (15 minute OLP lunches will do that to you)

27. nothing really matters as much as I thought (what a relief)

28. warts really are transferrable

29. I’m exceptionally easy to make happy

30. creating a gallery wall is like picking the traits of your first child

31. alarms are for repeating

32. salmon is really easy to get right (it’s just lemons)

33. he will run to the store 6 blocks away for a clove of garlic. and absolutely grated parmesan

34. a desk needs to be by direct sunlight. and it’ll take a year (+ 4 iffy placements) to get her where she needs (+ was meant) to be

35. the people on wheel of fortune are really fucking stupid and I should not aspire to be one of them

36. there is no shame in pooping

37. but there is a little bit in most other bodily functions

38. as the Pope said earlier this year in regards to choosing the best candidate for the upcoming presidential election, choose the lesser of the two evils (or something like that). so, because real Christmas trees are not allowed in our apartment, and fake ones aren’t allowed in this Rothwell/Brown homestead, we will go with the lesser. of the two evils. we’re getting a god damned Frasier fur god dammit.

39. I hate that podcaster guy’s voice. what’s his name again?? honestly it’s a blessing that I forgot.

40. nvm. Bill Simmons.

41. there is a right way to fluff the pillows

42. I abide by BBD. (“best by” dates)

43. we will use the record player rarely (holidays) and yet it stays, taking up the most prime of prime entryway real estate

44. I take Nespresso. he takes stok.

45. he haaaates this smell hahahaha

46. glass straws > metal straws > silicone straws

47. I will be the only one who rips off the date on our paper daily calendar and that is o k a y

48. he will bring his keys when we go out (I’m just a girl)

49. he is AWFUL at putting the trash bag in the can in an efficient manner

50. I love him anyway

51. sleeping with someone in the same bed still does not ward off horrors of the Bent-Neck Lady

52. I will learn pharmacology against my will (it is actually fascinating though)

53. he’ll drink sour milk sometimes and not get really bothered by it (HOW?)