Not sorry: a hate piece

If I see one more instagram story of a dimly-lit, poorly made espresso martini with a sneaky side of crusty bread and some weird sauce that looks a lot like RAGÚ I might fucking fall over.

Jan 23, 2025

a hate piece on our nation's obsession with alcohol

(+ some sober inspo at the end)

yes, I do own this top. I conceded *once*.

I don’t really care what’s in. I like mezcal and love a skinny margarita (no, not because it’s “skinny” - that will be my next hate piece. on the word “skinny” being overused. ((or used at all?)) you named your business The Skinny Confidential?? Why? Not only is your shit “skinny”, but also “confidential”? Great! Even more inaccessible).

[i’m on my period. so i’ll write about hate.]

I like a skinny marg because sugar grosses me out anymore. it’s like I can feel a cavity forming or my cheeks bloating. it just doesn't feel great. AND the bartender always adds enough alcohol-masking sweetness that a fourth grader would enjoy it. but the now-carcinogen-labeled, nostril-stinging liquid making up half of my sodium-rimmed glass? now that’s fine. it’s about balance!

I will try all the weird drinks - mix them with veg & vinegar and cheese and balsamic, I don’t care. I’ll try it (and pay $24 for it like I did that one time). fine! good, even. but I will not pretend that espresso martinis are good. they get the job done, sure, but so does a second or third cup of coffee or a nap. grow up and prepare for your late night out. did it sneak up on you or something?? it’s thursday/friday/saturday night for god’s sake. get a clue.

can we also talk about the coffee beans on top? they’re bitter little tough things plopped on top of a (sometimes sad & frothless) drink. I like most things but not that. don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes with a little brown bean, Sir Bartender. not gonna work. (now, some kind of edible flower placed with little brass tweezers? suuuure.)

let’s backtrack for a sec. this isn’t just about crucifying the famously-loved-by-The-Distasteful espresso martini. it’s about thinking it’s So Cool, So Gorgeous, So Grown Up, So Unique, So Girly. eh, it kind of is So Girly, i’ll give it that one. I’ve nary seen a man order one. Nvm, I think Jake did once. Forgetitforgetit. not the point + it couldn’t matter less.

this is about our country’s ever-growing love and admiration for anything spiked (though ““““enjoy responsibly””””, of course). why is it okay for sports championships to be sponsored by Twisted Tea?? where’s the maturity, culture, love for living and taste? gone, I suppose.

I get that if V-8 sponsored something as large as the Olympics, V-8 sales would proooobably stay the same. OR gently rise because people remember that bloody Marys exist. sigh. (maybe that’s a bad take - I think a lot of people just don’t want to drink V-8 like ever.) but the same goes for Tropicana, I think?

I just really can’t think of a better example of polar opposites: sports (like Great, gold-medal-winning, lifetime-training sports) and alcohol. you can’t even enjoy both at the same time?? well, don’t ask Mr. Man about that on hole #12 of the back nine. (he thinks it’s hole 12/9).

am I making enemies? nahhhh. I’m generally loving.

I just think it’s crazy. we teach never giving up, being a leader, striving for excellence, working ashardashumanlypossible (I’m seeing all those moving Nike commercials in my head) so we may one day make it to the championship. then districts. then states. then nationals. then The Big One. then we sponsor that widely-viewed shit with Heineken or Modelo or Casamigos. I mean? that’s the best we can do?

Here': i’ll propose something. let’s sponsor it by the ADA, NEA, WPF, Ocean Spray, The Nature Conservancy, American Red Cross? Chobani? Some brand of WATER? something…good? reputable? non-destructive? non-family/life-ruining? The American Dental Association will definitely not ruin as many lives as Corona Extra will. Quote me on that one, Brandon. And start using fluoride.

[God, I just remembered freaking FanDuel and DraftKings sponsoring the NFL, NBA, Formula 1, UFC.. it literally goes on forever and i’m not going to pretend I recognize and/or watch the other nine tenths of the list. *sighs some more* that fits in the same category.]

the alcohol obsession just bothers me. stop pushing drinks on the five year olds that can’t wait to see just how tall Wembanyama is in comparison to Clemons. he’s excited about the game and now wondering what exactly Budweiser is and if he can have some.

consider me PO'ed.

another PO'ing (P’ing-O*?) area where alcohol is annoyingly involved: fashion. I… hate this much less. but it still annoys me.

must we wear little baby tees with a martini on them? it’s not that cute (nor original). It’s vastly overused (which is probably an even larger annoyance to me actually) and just stupid. also, you’re telling me you like martinis enough to wear it around town on your chest? doubt it. and I doubt you eat all the olives. or even finish your glass. “it’s for the aesthetic” and that’s THE WORST PART OF IT ALL. the aesthetic is what’s you. whatever you genuinely like is the coolest, most personal thing about you. not what you deign to drink when you go out to that overly popular Italian restaurant and order buttered noodles.

it’s a farce, and not even a good one. you’re overcompensating pretty hard and it shows. and it doesn’t even matter what you drink!

those are your favorite things?

when did drinks become so stylish? when did they become the coolest things you could possibly imagine up to print or embroider on your most outward facing image choices? it’s weird and (spoiler alert) not that cute.

and to make it even better, there’s a “funny”, cheap, absurdly cringey version of these things that are supposed to make us laugh but actually make me (want to) cry. and get a load of this one.

and then ones that try to get away as “fashion”. they’re the I’ll Spend My Money On Drinks And Things With Drinks On Them Because I Have Taste And Money -things that want to seem rich & classy..

but in reality, all I see is this. I’m (not) sorry.

and i’m unimpressed and bored. but that’s just my opinion.

I guess that’s my point in this vent-hate session. I’m bored. bored with ads, bored with Honey Deuces, bored with punny wine coasters, bored with coffee mugs that say it’s actually vodka, bored with gold cocktail shaker necklace charms, bored with cocktail-y cocktail dresses.

might I suggest spending those drunk dollars on some type of uniquely charming personality piece like this hilariously adorable coat I recently got (it makes at least 8 people smile/strike up a convo per week), something in an interestingly weird print, or just a statement-y thing that nobody understands but is undoubtedly cool? I wanna see your brain and heart and humor and taste through your bags and socks and graphic tees, not your reason for calling out of work & gym and self-hating on Mondays and moody, nauseous headache-y attitude. that’s just boring (and you’re better AND COOLER AND MORE UNIQUE AND SPECIAL! than that).

here are some deliciously unique ideas that I could drink up all day.